Best find at the Book Swap on Monday, I am copying it now for distribution throughout the village.
Slap and Tickle
Category Archives: Community News
Wet Seat
Disastrous happenings! Calamitous events!
Dear me, where to begin? I spoke to you last week, of my initial excitement with Letwell. I must confess that I have now begun to find life in this thrusting virile village a little fatiguing.
Home to Firbeck post haste.
Oh, Bitter
Brian Tailgate, lifeguard at the Firbeck public swimming baths has asked me to circulate the new poster that will adorn the baths themselves, unfortunately they keep getting wet and ripped so you can always view this post here before swimming so you never forget the rules.
Tatty Minge
Hugely so to you all, it is with great excitement and slight tummy rubbish when I tell you ATV are remaking Crossroads.
The new series will be filmed on location here at the Firbeck Motel on New Road, the most exciting news is, the producers want local residents to play some of the parts, we have a list of available cast, if you are interested fill in the form at the bottom of the page and we will pass it on to ATV.
We have added our suggestions but feel free to apply for as many parts as you wish.
Good Luck, bagsy Adam Chance.
Jill Richardson/Harvey/Chance
Sandy Richardson – Must be a cripple in real life
Rev. Guy Atkins
Marilyn Gates/Hope
Archie Gibbs
David Hunter
Shughie McFe
Ed Lawton
Winnie Plumtree
Maureen Flynn
Arthur Brownlow
Richard Lord
Doris Luke
Adam Chance – Edmund Coterel-Beauchamp
Miranda Pollard
Rashida Malik
Chef
Paul, Assistant Chef
Benny Hawkins
Diane Hunter
Meat Dagger
John McGash butchers have just won the South Yorkshire Sausage of the Year Award with their very own “Ian” winning sausage.
Well done John, you have made Firbeck proud, you can taste this very limited edition blood pudding at next weeks National Firbeck Day held in the grounds of The Hall.
Please remember, no children under the age of 21 at the National Firbeck Day, I dont make the rules, I only enforce them.
Meat Wallet
Huzzah, hoorah and hooray.
Saturday sees the opening of Firbeck’s first Marks & Spencer, ah no more travelling to Worksop, Land of the Benefit Scrounger to buy ones groceries.
I for one will be torn between Ken Volvos and Aunty M&S when it comes to my small clothes. Oh how wonderful to have a choice in the village. Although I doubt old M&S will sell such racy numbers as Messers Volvo.
Snort!
Return of the Mac
Big Richard is pleased to announce the arrival his Estonian wife, Magda.
She is a beauty and he will be showing her off in the pub tonight, at only 17 she is a real catch for Big Rich, a £5000 catch apparently, he reckons if he charges £15 for a BJ he will soon make his money back.
Anyways, ill go for a drink and a look, its a bit reminiscent of the old Firbeck human zoo.
Soiled gusset
Be on the lookout for a bunch of rather loutish youths walking the streets of Firbeck, last night Arthur Pimple was jostled by the gang.
It was terrifying and I soiled myself in the street Arthur told us, I was happily walking Mrs Fluffy Flaps when they rushed me, they hurled hideous abuse at me and spoke in tongues, Fat-kidneyed Canker-blossom was one of the names I heard, I was truly shaken and needed a sweet sherry just to calm my shaking.
The youths are a local gang who hang out in the park at the village hall, our brave reporter questioned the leader of the gang to get “their side” of the story.
8 year old Joshua Scab told us, we only asked him the time and he went crazy and pooed himself, we laughed and ran away.
Mrs Scab has told her son to stay away from the old git as he is obviously senile.
Not on your Nelly
Calling all avid cinema goers!
Thursday nights are film night once again in the Village Hall, the fun starts at 8 so don’t be late. We have been promised that there will be no more snuff movies as this upset quite a few of the children last year, but, we are to be shown blockbusters just days after their release. Get the popcorn ready mother I’m on my way.
Below is a list of the next films to be shown:
- De beste går først
- The Kautokeino Rebellion
- Black Emmanuel
- Den brysomme mannen
- Kjærlighetens kjøtere
Dirty Pillows
A display of Russian dancing is to be held at the Village Hall on Friday night with a vodka tasting session afterwards.
After the last vodka tasting evening can all attendees please remember to leave the hall with a ounce of decorum, last year, Mavis Thrutch almost had a heart attack when Malcom Duvet and his cronies from the Cat Stroking Association Club paraded naked down New Road.
ANY japes like this and you will be banned from all further public stonings and the next 3 witch burnings. You have been warned!
firbeckcanard - News from Firbeck and surrounding villages 
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