All posts by Mycroft

Living proof of the inherent superiority of England's upper classes. A thousand years of breeding distilled into one, eminently superior being. I am better than you, by an extremely long chalk and thats all I'm telling you, you unctious little oik.

Ham Salad

You may recall that we recently touched on crime in Firbeck. One ubiquitous problem was ‘subconscious crime’, which was so prevalent that the council was forced to take drastic measures. Although it had complete faith in the integrity and innocence of it citizens, the council did not trust their hands. What were the town’s approx. 500 hands doing and who were they talking to? There was no way of effectively monitoring or policing the situation.

That’s why the council offered its first Hand Amnesty and announced that no legal action would be taken against citizens if they turned in their hands to the police. A week before the amnesty date, each home received through the post a parcel containing a local anaesthetic, a miniature hacksaw (or sharp spoon, for working class families) and a raspberry lolly (as an incentive to carry out the necessary procedure).

However, many citizens were confused. If their hands had committed crimes without them being aware of it, how would they know if they were guilty or not? The average person had neither the time nor the resources to systematically surveil their own hands.

Council guidelines suggested the following:

1. If you are already conscious of your subconscious crime please take advantage of the amnesty and surrender your hands to the police. 

2. If you do not recall committing a crime, it is likely that your conscious mind is suppressing the memory of committing a crime. Please take advantage of the amnesty and surrender your hands to the police.

If you fail to comply with either 1. or 2. you will be visited by council surgeons. They are on hand 24 hours a day to give you a hand handing in your hands.


Wet Tissue

Welcome all and a good hello.

The emergency meeting held last night was a resounding success, a new park for the ankle biters of the village is finally underway.

The proposed apparatus for the park are below, a meeting will be held next week to pick the most appropriate for the village.

Juba Juba

Regarding Firbeck Canard I am singularly unable to find any publication in which criticism is levelled at the poor, the lower orders, racial and religious groupings, or foreigners.

Of course this is not The Canard’s raison d’etre (let me make that clear), but where can one go for such entertainments?

I have given up on the Labour Party or the Lib Dems for the provisions of aforesaid, and find that even the Tories do not offer this diversion. Are we not all the poorer for it?

Cnl. Sebastapol Rattling-Sabres

Spaniel Dirt

Welcome to you all hello.

Whilst visiting the seed bank this afternoon I was shocked at the Tardisesque proportions of the phone box, after 20 minutes of wandering the corridors I happened to meet Jocelyn, the daughter of Aunty Anita, who knew Firbeck had it’s own telephone exchange.


The mind boggles.

Moral Fibre

Hugely so to you all,

I was out excercising the Ocelot today when I witnessed a family from Dinnington moving into an abode in the poorer area of Firbeck, a quick call to ones “Insider” at the council quickly had an eviciton notice plastered to their door. Huzzah!

Attached is a picture of the proles so you can avoid any contact until the baliffs arrive.


Stumpy Legs

Hello to you good

I am pleased to announce that the Feminst Baiting Club and the Curing of Lesbians by the Laying on of Hans Club are to merge.

Both clubs would like suggestions for a new name, come on readers, it’s your chance to shine

Butt Nuts

Good Hello, listed below are 5 pointers to help you less well bred readers seem almost civilised.

Never say ‘Pleased to meet you’. You may think you’re being terribly nice saying this upon greeting a stranger, but those in the know will have mentally clocked you are not saying, ‘How do you do?’ If you don’t know who they are, can you be sure you really are pleased to meet them?

Revise your handshake. The last time someone told you how to shake hands you were probably very young. Get a loved one to review your handshake honestly. Try to avoid being a wet fish or a bone crusher. People judge others on the quality of their handshake.

Abandon Pancake Day. For houses of quality, it’s called Shrove Tuesday. Serve crêpes in the evening. Oh, and it’s St Valentine’s Day, also.

Avoid attending Facebook parties. If you are invited anywhere by Facebook, don’t go. It won’t be worth it and you’ll probably be served beer in the bottle or wine that hasn’t been decanted.

Pudding v Dessert. The final course of a dinner (and arguably the best one) is the pudding. Note, it is called the pudding, NOT ‘dessert’. If you call your lemon posset with spun sugar basket a dessert when dining with the hoity toity, then you might as well prepare for a future dining at a Toby Carvery – where you can help yourself to the dessert buffet for the rest of eternity.