All posts by Flossie

Just a simple country gal looking for Mr Right

Tummy Rubbish

Big Richard has asked me to warn any villagers wanting Magdas lips around their members that a hygiene test will be required.

Only clean willies gents, Eileen Crust will be on hand with douche kits if needed.

The sale of douche kits will be donated to the church.


Return of the Mac

Big Richard is pleased to announce the arrival his Estonian wife, Magda.

She is a beauty and he will be showing her off in the pub tonight, at only 17 she is a real catch for Big Rich, a £5000 catch apparently, he reckons if he charges £15 for a BJ he will soon make his money back.

Anyways, ill go for a drink and a look, its a bit reminiscent of the old Firbeck human zoo.

Dirty Bottom

Complaints have come in about the wearing of tight pants by certain females in the village. Irene Smeg is shocked by how tight these pants are, whats wrong with a nice pleated A-Line.

If you wear such pants would you refrain from walking past Irenes’ house as it excites her husband Arthur into a messy frenzied white wee wee stupor.

Its costing Irene a lot of money in washing powder as Arthur is soiling himself 4 – 5 times a day.

Nanny Anita has a good stock of A-Lines at the village hall for the guilty naughty residents.


Dripping Quim

Finalists for the Sexually Attracted to Sheep contest need to be at the village hall at 8:00am on Saturday morning.

I am told there are some real stunners at the show this year.

Peregrine Tibia-Thrall from Letwell is showing Tallulah “The Slag” Fluffy Hind, who is always a crowd pleaser, she is such a tarty little ewe.

I cannot wait, if youhave a sexy little lamb to show, contact Julie Cocklick before Friday.

Horses arse

Hugely so to you all.

More signs have appeared in the village, Im not truly bothered by these but a number of residents have complained, the signs that cause the most offence are:

  • Childrens Playground
  • Fun Club on Saturdays
  • Partent and toddler group

Maybe residents with young children should realise they should be seen and not heard.

Flapping Tongues

And a very good to you.

The Firbeck tanning club welcomes members to bronze up with the latest community tanning tent, Mondays are with underwear and Thursday are au naturale.

If any gent on Thursday gets over excited at the sight of wanton flesh (Richard…) Nanny Anita will be on duty to thwack the over excited gland into a flacid defeat.

See you there

Wet Sausage

Magnificently so to you all, and not without becoming splendour.

Firbeck in Bloom has had to be cancelled, this is unfortunate but after  much tummy-rubbish talked about at last nights council meeting it has been decided, isnt happening here.

Arthur Smeg started campaigning to have it banned earlier in the year and the old bugger has got what he wanted.

Can I urge all residents to spit/piss/vomit/shit in his garden from now on.