Soiled gusset

Be on the lookout for a bunch of rather loutish youths walking the streets of Firbeck, last night Arthur Pimple was jostled by the gang.

It was terrifying and I soiled myself in the street Arthur told us, I was happily walking Mrs Fluffy Flaps when they rushed me, they hurled hideous abuse at me and spoke in tongues, Fat-kidneyed Canker-blossom was one of the names I heard,  I was truly shaken and needed a sweet sherry just to calm my shaking.

The youths are a local gang who hang out in the park at the village hall, our brave reporter questioned the leader of the gang to get “their side” of the story.

8 year old Joshua Scab told us, we only asked him the time and he went crazy and pooed himself, we laughed and ran away.

Mrs Scab has told her son to stay away from the old git as he is obviously senile.