Category Archives: How To

Smelly Flannel

For anyone who remembers the routine racism of 1970s Britain, I know you will feel at home in Firbeck and whilst trawling through the book swap yesterday I found this rather fantastic informative book.

I actually had to change one word to ‘African’ before putting it on the website. Enough said. In the actual book itself you got 25 points if you spotted any of the listed racial types.

Foreigners+and+how+to+spot+them

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Butt Nuts

Good Hello, listed below are 5 pointers to help you less well bred readers seem almost civilised.

Never say ‘Pleased to meet you’. You may think you’re being terribly nice saying this upon greeting a stranger, but those in the know will have mentally clocked you are not saying, ‘How do you do?’ If you don’t know who they are, can you be sure you really are pleased to meet them?

Revise your handshake. The last time someone told you how to shake hands you were probably very young. Get a loved one to review your handshake honestly. Try to avoid being a wet fish or a bone crusher. People judge others on the quality of their handshake.

Abandon Pancake Day. For houses of quality, it’s called Shrove Tuesday. Serve crêpes in the evening. Oh, and it’s St Valentine’s Day, also.

Avoid attending Facebook parties. If you are invited anywhere by Facebook, don’t go. It won’t be worth it and you’ll probably be served beer in the bottle or wine that hasn’t been decanted.

Pudding v Dessert. The final course of a dinner (and arguably the best one) is the pudding. Note, it is called the pudding, NOT ‘dessert’. If you call your lemon posset with spun sugar basket a dessert when dining with the hoity toity, then you might as well prepare for a future dining at a Toby Carvery – where you can help yourself to the dessert buffet for the rest of eternity.

Firm Melon

How to be a Better Lady

Gait and Carriage

“A lady ought to adopt a modest and measured gait; too great hurry injures the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head on one side and on the other, especially in large towns or cities, where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. A lady should not present herself alone in a library, or a museum, unless she goes there to study, or work as an artist.

Gentlemen’s attendance. – After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone; and if she passes the evening with any one, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her.”

Attentions to Others

When you are passing in the street, and see coming towards you a person of your acquaintance, whether a lady or an elderly person, you should offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a carriage should happen to stop, in such a manner as to leave only a narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait your turn, and if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up, you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as they pass, should bow politely to you.

Raising the Dress

When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With the right hand, she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them towards the right side. To raise the dress on. both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can only be tolerated for a moment, when the mud is very deep.

Speaking to Your Husband

A lady should not say “my husband,” except among intimates; in every other case she should address him by his name, calling him “Mr.” It is equally proper, except on occasions of ceremony, and while she is quite young, to designate him by his christian name.

Never use the initial of a person’s name to designate him; as “Mr. P.,” “Mr. L.,” etc. Nothing is so odious as to hear a lady speak of her husband, or, indeed, any one else, as “Mr. B.”

How a lady should be spoken of by her husband. – It is equally improper for a gentleman to say “my wife,” except among very intimate friends; he should mention her as “Mrs. So-and-so.” When in private, the expression “my dear,” or merely the christian name, is considered in accordance with the best usage among the more refined.

Bulbous Labia

7 Tips on keeping Your man

  1. Don’t Talk
  2. Bad cooking will drive your man to seedy establishments
  3. Be the Hot Steak, Not the Cheap Pork
  4. But don’t be a Sexual Vampire or a Frigid Franny
  5. Pink Panties are a must
  6. Let him have a little fun now and then
  7. Your Husband is The Boss Of You

Remember ladies, if you don’t take care of him, someone else will