All posts by Edmond

Auctioneer to the rich and famous, Professor of Archaeology at the University of Cambridge and Extraordinary Fellow of Langold Park

Bangers and Mash

Good hello

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, here is a picture from last years well turned ankle competition.

A policeman judges an ankle competition


Greasy Nipple

Good hello to you all.

It has come to my attention that certain villagers are possibly harbouring lusty thoughts over Mary Berry.

Stop it and stop it now!

Hips Don’t Lie

Good Hello!

The playgroup has certainly let it’s standards slip this year with some of the ankle biters turning feral, below is a picture taken from this years’ Christmas party when local teens asked Santa if he wanted his pipe smoking.

It would appear certain families have been mixing with the likes of Maltby and Dinnington residents.

Hopefully a new crime initiative in the New Year will see these ruffians thrown from the village and all their belongings burnt.



I’m Not In!

Hugely so to you all.

The parish Council and the Firbeck amateur dramtics society have teamed up to visit ebola victims at Dinnington Royal Infirmary.

I bet the little tikes loved it, shame they won’t live long enough to enjoy the holy apples the council collected from the floor around the bus stop bythe church, well it’s the thought that counts you ungrateful little urchins.


Mucky Clit Mess

Magnificently so to you all, it’s been quite a while since we posted anything on the old Canard, that’s because absolutely nothing has happened since our last post.

Firbeck was in a kind of suspended animation with only Arthur’s bowels providing any movement or noise.As it’s almost Christmas we thought we would treat you to a fantastic picture of a local Firbeck teen beauty offering a Dinnington resident the chance to mix with a decent bloodline for a minute or two, I’ll bet a white fiver this is the best day of the little fellas life.weird_christmas_photos_640_10

Broken Hymen

Here is an update from last nights meeting of the emergency committee.

Due to the recent outbreak of Ebola, Firbeck is closing its borders to stop the disease running amok in the village.

It was decided that as many ocelots as possible will patrol the perimeter fence which is being erected today and there will only be one entry point in and out of the village. This will be manned by the council residents who are less likely to have a decent bloodline and can be extinguished with very little loss to the community.

Anyone who leaves the village and travels within 2 miles of Dinnington or Maltby will no longer be allowed to return, this is obviously to keep Firbeck ebola free.

Supplies will be dropped from a chinook every Wednesday so make sure you put your wine and spirits order in before noon on Tuedsays.

Council Vulva

Grave news readers,

One of Howard Tescos humanoids has mated with a female from Dinnington and a new hybrid child has been born, apparently Fat Mandy from Dinnington sexually attacked one of the humanoids, the film images sent back to Firbeck Police HQ where so visually damaging, 3 officers have been blinded, the video has close up shots showing Mandy’s hairy arse crack and front bottom as well as flabby sweaty tits.

Worse still, the spawn of Dinnington is….. I can hardly type it….. brown, oh the shame.

Luckily the police managed to capture the robot ruffian before he ran amock in and around Firbeck.


Below is an image of Fat Mandy taken from a local dating site.