Category Archives: Community News

Swollen Meat

What Ho!

I was exercising the ocelot this morning when I heard shouts and grunts coming from the Bustily-Fanshaws residence.

I looked over the bushes to see what all the bally hoo was and saw a heinous crime taking place, a ruffian from either Maltby or Dinnington was attempting to steal little Horace’s prize motor.

Luckily I had my pistol with me and managed to scare the gutter snipe, he started to run but luckily the ocelot caught him and happily mauled him until the local constabulary arrived.

Let this be a warning that these absolute rotters are prowling our village, is nothing sacred! Below is a picture taken from a hidden CCTV camera.

AP 14

 

Mutton Fist

Big laughs lately at one’s club and the House of Lords bar at the never ending fun we have manipulating you working class scums. Worried that your general lack of personal hygiene might lead to an outbreak of something unpleasant and costly for the NHS, we decided to popularise the act of washing once again under the guise of it being called “The Ice-bucket challenge”.

Not only has this “gone viral” whatever that means, it has spread to other, equally stupid people around the world. A substantial amount of money has also been raised for one’s drinking and munitions fund under the guise of it being a “charitable donation”, not to mention that the act of bathing in ice cold water will help acclimatise the participants for conditions in the workhouses we plan to introduce as soon as we win the next election.

Huzzah!

Sloughy Stump

Imagine my embarassment on Saturday 13th when Horatio and I returned from Africa to see the village full of homeless people.

After a few hasty phone calls to the local constabulary we realised it was a scarecrow festival.I wondered why the neighbours were looking at Horatio strangely when he ran one of the buggers through with his cavalry sword.

Sirloin Flap

Magnificently so to you all, it is will a lump in my throat as I announce Ken and Maud Safari are leaving the village to make a new life in Dickleburgh, Norfolk.

Both had been well liked in the village and Maud was a real hit with the swingers in Firbeck, Ken wishes everyone good health and when they have settled in all are welcome to join them at one of their infamous parties.

Sausage Meat

The Firbeck Seed Bank have asked male villagers if they could desist from leaving “male” seed in the phone box, its not funny or clever and has started to attract stray cats.

If this continues then a CCTV system will have to be fitted which will raise the precept by 20%.

You have been warned.