Ham Fisted

Magnificently so to you all.

The Parish council is a staunch advocate of biblioclasm. It doesn’t want citizens of Dinnington and Maltby acquiring unsanctioned knowledge and expects families to regularly scour their cellars, attics and priest holes for prohibited books. Book burnings take place after Sunday Coven on every 3rd Sunday, unless it falls on a Saturday, in which case the following Sunday.

However, after the inexplicable disappearance of many of Firbeck’s old age pensioners (which, incidentally, coincides with a much-needed boost to the village’s flagging sausage industry), the time-honoured method of how to correctly burn a book fell out of common knowledge. No one could remember how to do it because the traditional know-how had not been passed on to them.

The council had no choice but to publish ‘How to Burn Books’, which will furnish Dinnington and Maltby folk with the required skills for correct book burning.

Unfortunately, the book- and education-starved populace of Dinnington and Maltby could not read and attempted, albeit clumsily, to burn all the copies before they had looked at them properly.

Frustrated, the council had no choice but reteach people how to read, or at least well enough for them to be able to read and comprehend the 2nd edition of ‘How to Burn Books’.

Both editions, including the rare 1st edition, can be seen below.

biblioclasm01 biblioclasm02



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