Turkey Crown

I have recently seen many single men in Firbeck so I have decided to  help you poor sods out with a guide to wooing the ladies, plus  it will help others, such as your parents, they too can get on with their lives, this includes those who live on their parents land/second house/holiday home etc.

  1. Do pay attention to your body language: look into her eyes and point your anatomy directly at hers. Stand in a forthrightly masculine pose – not like Frank Spencer in Some Mothers Do ’Ave ’Em – your glance, voice, and dominant bearing exuding sexuality. Your feet should be wide apart and your thumbs frequently pointing towards your ‘gentleman’s area’. Standing like this raises her temperature while saving on a lot of chat.
  2. Don’t bother with intensive grooming – you don’t want to look continental – neat and tidy will do. Neither need you be handsome; this has little to do with it, despite what you might think. Better to be rich, actually.
  3. Be as tall as possible.
  4. Don’t be too ‘nice’: being ‘nice’ will get you nowhere. Being a bit of a bounder – though never a cad – is the thing.
  5. Do be assertive, confident, and persistent – but don’t be a boor.
  6. Do touch her: don’t grab hold of her bottom or pull her hair. Instead, touch her lightly on the ‘safe’ areas – forearms are a good place. You’ll have plenty of time later for the other, unsafe, bits.
  7. Don’t try too hard: it shows you care, which you shouldn’t. Indifference is much more alluring. Maintain a cool, elusive intrigue.
  8. Do share danger with her: scientists have discovered that going on a fast toboggan ride with a man causes a woman to become attracted to him. Worth knowing. I mean, how much does a ride on the ghost train cost? Just feel her cling to you.
  9. Do be funny (if you can): after all, the guffaw is the orgasm a lady is permitted to have in public.
  10. Do shut up about yourself: instead, ask her about herself. ‘What’s your favourite sexual fantasy?’ is a good question, though ‘Are you a virgin?’ will tend to diminish your mysterious allure.
  11. A chap may pay a woman the occasional compliment but should steer clear of disasters such as, ‘I like older ladies; You disguise your heavy midriff cleverly with that poncho; and, Do you want to see a trick I learned in prison?’
  12. Do keep your eye on the ball: you’ll know quickly (within seconds, actually) how interested she is. If you can’t spot this you’re lost, for now is the time to kick chivalry into the long grass and overwhelm her with the bold move.
  13. As a final tip in the seduction game, I should point out that you must never buy a lady flowers from a petrol station, or anywhere like Londis. Girls can sniff out cheap fl owers a mile off. Incidentally, ‘Londis’ is an interesting brand name, the origin of which is unusual. In an attempt to glamorise his shops, the ‘inventor’ of Londis seems to have confl ated the Lond- of London and the is of Paris, just as 1930s marketers added the NY of New York to the Lon of London to concoct the word nylon. ‘Londis’ is not a very glamorous conjunction but is better, I suppose, than the alternative, which would have been ‘Pardon’.

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